Day 38.

Empty Rooms.

His father walked in the room,
and everything stopped.
Fear overtook him.
Even the most innocent actions caused paranoia.
He closed his history book and looked up,
ready to make eye contact because a real man always looks another square in the eyes, but not for too long so not to be accused of staring.
Alert & ready.
He waited.
But it was as if he wasn't there.
His father walked through the room,
grabbed a newspaper,
sat in his recliner and
turned on the news.
Never looking toward his only son.

Day 37.

Red Flag.

I was early.
I sat at the bar.
When you arrived, I knew immediately it was you.
You were a mountain of a man.
Tall. Very tall.
Big. All around.
You sat with your short sleeved bare arm on the bar.
Your psoriasis inflamed.
I was ashamed at my internal superficial reaction.
We talked. Laughed a little.
We moved outside.
We stood.
We talked.
You were oblivious to my needs as we continued to stand.
Me in heels.
The night grew cold.
We talked.
You talked.
Of your ex wife.
Of your hatred for her.
Of how she ruined your life.
Of how she betrayed you.
Of how you fought.
Of how you were not at fault.
Of your hatred for her.
Of your anger toward her.
Of your hatred for her.
Of your anger...
I called it a night.
You politely walked me to my car.
All the while, composing your email in your mind.
    I was inconsiderate, rude.
    I needed to be taught manners.
I was never so glad to have listened to my instincts.

Day 36.

The One Thing. 

The one thing she wanted most in the world was to be loved. To be truly loved for who she was with all her flaws, hiccups, bumps, warts, insecurities and arogancies. She wanted someone to see through all of that into her true self and extract the best of her, excising the worst.

The one thing she wanted most in the world was to be understood. To not have to explain every action, inaction, thought, word or moment of silence. She wanted someone who would know that she meant what she said and said what she meant and didn't waste energy on anything else. 

The one thing she wanted most in the world was to love and understand someone. To truly accept them for who they are and to know the meaning behind their actions, thoughts and words. To accept them fully warts, flaws, bumps and all. To see in them the best they could be and to draw it out. To recognize that the one thing they want most in the world is to be loved and understood. 

Day 35.

I don't have much to say to you.
You've left me no choice.
Our conversations have meant nothing.
Our exchanges have shared even less.

I don't know what you want from me.
You've taken everything I had.
My gifts have meant nothing.
My sacrifices even less.

I want to tell you everything.
I don't know how.
It's not like you'll understand any of it.

I want to give you everything.
I don't know how.
It's not like I haven't done so already.

Day 34.

The Return.

You came back
and it means more than you know.
You saw in me
something no one else has ever seen.
You didn't let me
go back to being perpetually let down.
You didn't give up
on the connection we had.
You somehow knew
that we met for a reason.
You didn't let fear
get in the way of something great.
You realized
our chance meeting would change our lives.
You came back
and my heart, mind & soul exploded with joy.
You came back
and it means more than you know.

Day 33.

Remember.

The time when you worked tirelessly on yourself.
The time when you went after your dreams.
The time when nothing could stop you.
The time when you actually cared.
The time when you finally had confidence that lasted more than a moment.
The time you loved yourself.
The time you felt you could do anything.
The time you did.

Day 32.

Time To Chat.

I haven't done much narration or explanation this year. I've wanted to let the poems speak for themselves. This seemed like a good time to chat.

This time around is different. In 2014, it was an experiment. I genuinely had no idea if I would be able to keep that daily promise. But I did. I learned a lot and feel like my writing grew by the end of the year. I was able to portray my thoughts and intentions more accurately as the project evolved. Throughout the process, I allowed myself to play, to be silly and to write about complete nonsense just for the sake of writing. There were many days when I had no inspiration, so I wrote about that.

This time is different. Since 2014, a lot has happened. 2015 brought me love. You'll see more poems from that time as the year goes on. 2016 brought a heart attack for my mother. She survived, but it was trying time. 2017 brought darker times. We lost 2 cats early on. Neal's mom passed away in the spring. A close friend took his own life in the summer.

So, this time is different. The poems have been heavier. I have not been able to find that place of light I had in 2014. Not yet. There are still too many shadows.

This time is different. My goal is not just to write every day. It is to continue developing my ability to convey the message or feeling I set out to express with each poem. Oftentimes, these poems have a mind of their own and become something very unlike my original intention. Sometimes for the better. Sometimes not.

The 2018 journey will be different. That's a good thing. It's all about growth, after all.

See you at the other end.