Day 31.

You.

I saw you across the room.
I almost didn't recognize you,
but there was something in the way you... was it the laugh? 
the flip of your hair?
a glimmer in your smile?
So many years have passed, 
but it was you.

All this time,
I've only ever wanted
One more conversation.
One more hug.
One more smile.
Now, seeing you again,
I'm frozen in place.
Speechless.
Helpless.

If I reach out,
you'll disappear.
I'm sure of it.
You won't be the
same as my memory of you.
You will have changed.
How could you not?
So many years.
With nothing but a
vague memory of who you were,
or even who I was then.
But there you are.

Out of the blue.
In this room.
At this time.

Day 30.

Meaning.

My words are my words.
They mean what they say.
There is no mystery
in their meaning today.
My words are my words.
I've been very clear,
but the words that I say
aren't the ones that you hear.

Day 29.

Journey

I walked away years ago
planning to forge my own way.
My journey lead me
down many paths,
twisted, straight, rocky, smooth, paved, dirt
Along the way, I made turns down
side paths that were only dead ends.
I made u-turns sending me
right back to where I began.
I made steps forward only to be
pushed back or to stumble
off the path completely.
Each cobblestone passed,
a sign of progress.
The past, and you,
and all you stand for, and symbolize
fading behind.
As each brick disappeared behind me,
a piece of me disappeared with it.
The bricks crumbled in unison with
the very soul of me I was trying to find.

Day 28.

Back & forth
Blips
Blurbs
Flashes
Fleeting emotions
Stuck
In the dance
Their feet barely
On the floor
There is no music
Yet still
They dance
Shuffling
Jumping
In & out
Up & down
Round & round
Everyone watches
As they fumble
Like clowns
With 2
Oversized
Left feet.

Day 27.

Just Like That

Electricity flowed
Decades of static build up
Discharged.

Day 26.

She Would Know.

The last thing in the world
he wanted was to hurt her,
but he knew it had to happen.
He had to tell her.
Everything.
She would cry.
She would yell.
She would leave.
But she would know.
Finally.
After all the years
of keeping the silence
and holding it in,
he would finally be free.
And she would know.
Maybe she would still love him.
Maybe not.
Likely not.
But she would know.
And she could decide for herself.
He would no longer
keep her trapped here
by his lies and omissions.
She would know.

Day 25.

C'mon, Not Again 

The carousel just 

keeps        spinning 

out of                   control 

stopping            when it 

damn          well 

feels like.

No matter 

which       horse 

you want               to ride or 

which         carriage 

you     want 

to sit in. 

Day 24.

Frozen

She stood
frozen in her place,
starting blankly
(or was she)
at the night sky.

Stars twinkled.
Planets didn't.
Red is Mars.
(everybody knows that)
Isn't that Cassiopeia?
Oh, Orion!
It's been so long.
A spark flipped
across the sky
only to dart
right back again
from where out cane.
A UFO!
It must be!
Or a jet plane
on a test mission.
Or a fire fly.
Or maybe just
a speck of dust
blown back and forth
by the night winds,
reflecting in headlights
of the cars speeding by.

Still she stared, frozen,
waiting for that thing,
that one thing
that would pull her
from her place.

Day 23.

I am Jekyl,
fearing the secrets
of my soul.
The shadows
illuminated in the spotlight
of investigation.
The hidden scars
suddenly revealed.
Hyde stirs beneath,
knowing his time has come.

Day 22.

Play the game
and play it hard
But run away
from the shards.
Stand up fast
and don't be scared.
Love's love
is always shared.

Day 21.

You'll Get Better The More You Try.

The first time
is always the worst.
Awkward.
Clumsy.
Unsure.
But you do it anyway,
and are somehow successful.
The second time
is harder at first.
Pressure.
Expectations.
Nervous.
But you do it anyway,
and are not as successful.
The third time
is easier than the second.
Determined.
Comfortable.
Familiar.
You do it anyway,
and are quite successful.
The fourth time
is even better than the third.
Confident.
Certain.
Practiced.
You do it,
and are completely successful.

Day 20.

I debated about whether or not to share this one. Ultimately, I decided that if there was any debate, it needed to be shared.


Still Angry.

Fuck you.
for leaving me
for leaving us
behind when you were clouded and burdened with selfishness and blinded by your sadness.

Fuck you.
for making every single moment of my life that much more miserable
for making me be in a perpetual state of self doubt, questioning every single action I take for fear that it will reveal me to be just like you.

Fuck you.
for not seeing beyond yourself
for not thinking of anyone but yourself
for forcing everyone you ever knew to rethink if they ever knew you.

Fuck you.
for not asking for help
for not thinking that we could be that help.
for thinking that we would judge you or think less of you for needing help
for not knowing that you needed help

Fuck you.
for thinking none of us loved you enough to want to help you through whatever it was you were going through.

Fuck you.
for making us scrutinize every conversation we ever had for signs that we didn't pick up on
for making us feel guilty  for not being there for you
for making us speculate about what really happened.

Fuck you.
for robbing us of you.

Day 19.

Whatever it is, it's not there. 

Map in hand, 

we walk. 

We once had the exact coordinates, but they've long been forgotten or maybe discarded when we were cocky enough to think we'd never need them. 

Compass in hand, 

we walk. 

North remains illusive as the rose spirals around never finding its magnetic landing or maybe finding it but continuing the search.

Metal detector in hand, 

we walk. 

The beeping falsely alerting us to the potential glimmering gold beneath our feet or maybe to a lone penny that fell unnoticed from a wallet.

Flashlight in hand, 

we walk. 

The path brightens but is never in full view as the surrounding shadows petsist.

Day 18.

Unrest.

Stoic
Stony face
Steeled to the chaos around her
Emotions long ago discarded as superfluous relics of another life.

Fighting
Frenzied decisions
Feel around hopelessly in the dark,
Searching for a way out, praying to be chosen.

Trapped
Tearful expectations
Turn sour after years of being relegated
To the back row of importance.

Still
Staring eyes
Squarely penetrating through walls
And 1,000 miles of air to focus on a dot in the middle of nothingness.

Day 17.

A short one today.


I Believed.

When you said you loved me,
I believed you.
For the first time ever,
I had no doubts.

Day 16.

Simplicity.

I watched the sunset
with 1,000 strangers.
We hoped to catch a glimpse
of the illusive green glow
as the sun hides
behind the horizon.
Ships slowly cruised
across the bay, their masts
cutting into the sky.
The woman to my right
drove 15 hours to see it,
armed only with a 110 camera
and 2 shots left.
Hipsters played acoustic guitar
behind us, immune to the
daily wonder of nature before is.
As daylight disappeared,
the crowd silenced.
A collective reverie.

Day 15.

What was it you said again?
I simply can't remember.

It was sweet and beautiful
and made me cry,
healing the scars on my heart.

It was harsh and biting
and made me cry,
leaving a scar on my heart.

Day 14.

 Tell me a story.

Tell me again about the good ol' days.
I want to hear those glorious stories
when everyone loved everyone
and all people were kind to all people.
I want to learn about how happy everyone from all walks of life was
and how there were no poor people
and rich people shared their wealth.
When people weren't
allowed to have a say in our government.
I want to hear all about the children
who worked alongside 100s of other
Children in death trap factories.
When people weren't
beaten, raped, dragged and hung to their death.
When people weren't rounded up
and slaughtered 1000s at a time.

Please do tell me about those days and much better things were.

Day 13.

Chains.

Rattle those chains
until they shatter into
a thousand pieces of regret
all over the floor.

Lego-sharp reminders
of dreams not followed
people not loved
ideas forgotten.
Brittle shrapnel souvenirs
of mistakes made
people left behind
ideas ignored.

But, don't even look at them.
Their sparkle will make
you think of diamonds.
Don't even touch them.
Their silky veneer will remind
you of your first pet.
Dont even sweep them up.
Their music as the hit will hypnotize
you into believing them.

Let them lie there
wallowing in their deceit
as the implore you
to collect them and
to cradle them once again.

Day 12.

Everyone's Everything.

Nothing gave him the satisfaction he longed for.
Nothing was there at every impasse.
Nothing solved his problems.

He walked away from everything.
Though, truthfully, he always
thought is was nothing.

No one listened to his anger.
No one sat beside him every morning.
No one embraced him at the end of the day.
No one held his hand when he cried.

He walked out on everyone.
Though, truthfully, he always
felt they were no one.

Day 11.

Moving On.

What if you were right
where you wanted to be?
Would you recognize it?
Would you enjoy it?
Could you?
Would you be able
to let go of years of
frustration and disappointment
and truly embrace
your new found happiness?

Day 10.

Unknown Rider

The girl gets on the bus long
before anyone else.
Her seat, in front,
away from the crowds.
No headphones or cell phone
to keep her distracted.
So she sits there, quietly,
watching them get on.
They smile and laugh and
push each other,
knowing exactly
which seat is theirs.
They move down the aisle
in an instant
never looking down
to see the strange girl
sitting in the first seat.

She waits for someone to say
hi.
They never do.
Her own shyness forbids
she be the one to say it.

She listens as they make
more and more noise,
laughing, talking, yelling,
fighting, kissing, singing.

One by one, they get off, and the bus is hers.
She is alone in the silence.
Relieved.

Day 9.

The Haunting.

I may by gone,
but I'm still here.
We cannot hug, shake hands, cuddle, high five, share clothes, fight,
but I'm still here.

In every thought
and memory
Every emotion
and conversation
Every choice
and indecision.

I'm here.
Helping you.
Hearing you.
Hurting you.

Haunting you.

Day 8.

As I mentioned in my intro, I did have a few moments of inspiration over the past several years. Yesterday, I referenced one of those times - the passing of my very close friend Paul in August 2017. I have a number of pieces from then. I shared one yesterday and will share more as the year goes on.

But, today, I want to share something from a happier time when I was inspired & prolific. July 2015. That's when I met my man. My Mutha Fucka. On an unplanned night of karaoke, I picked him up in a bar.  Love filled me up, and I wrote. Here's one from 7/14/15. Just 4 days after we met.


Cloud 9

Please stay with my on this cloud.
The air is so thin, I have become light-headed.
The ground so soft, I just might lose balance.
The fall so far, I can't bear to look down.

Day 7.

August 2017 was a difficult time. It was also prolific. This was just one of the pieces that came out during that time. I originally wrote this sometime between 8/3/2017 & 8/11/2017.


Dissociate

I watch my hands
write the words
I never wanted to say.
I watch my body moving.
I have no control
over any of its actions.

I cannot stop any of it
no matter how hard I try.

My pen.
My body.
They are no longer mine to control.

My body is on a trajectory,
moving forward with
the plan it has concocted.
My brain held hostage.

I watch from inside.
Useless.
Helpless.

Day 6.

That Thing.

I will never become
that thing
you say I am.
With everything I am,
I will fight.
I will resist
the temptation of ease
of falling into those patterns
that would make me into
that thing.

The very essence of my being
propels and forces me away from
that thing
you so flippantly accuse me of.

My skin crawls.
My muscles twitch.
My nerves tingle.
My blood rushes.
My defenses on high alert.

Your accusation has sent me into
a tailspin,
an eddy of anger and sadness,
defensiveness and defeatism.

All my life, I have been fiercely combating
that thing
you say I am.

The battle will continue.
I will defend.
I will react.
I will become angry.
I will not know how to express any of it.
I will shut down.
You will think I've run away.
When in reality,
I am hurt.
I am insulted.
I am sad because you have
never recognized me for who
I truly am.

Day 5.

Close The Door

He often sat in silence,
his gaze somewhere far in the distance
yet looking deeply inward,
examining everything he ever was and did
and everything he ever will be.

Questioning himself is his perpetual hobby.

Though random and rare,
Confidence had visited him.
It was usually a quick visit
since he'd always forget to close the door.
Self Doubt would walk right in,
clearly the jealous type,
unable to bare seeing him with
Confidence even for just one minute.

Day 4.

Judgement.

Through the curtainless window,
there's a man in the trees.
always present,
ever-changing.
He looks down upon us
grimacing,
disapproving.
But that was today.
Yesterday,
he smirked
and leaned in,
a snicker beneath his breath.
Tomorrow,
a grin
and a glance to the sky.

Day 3.

My Children.

Off you go, children
into the night.
I have held onto you
for far too long.

Off you go, children
into the world.
It is time for you
to meet your destiny.

Off you go, children
out on your own.
I have suppressed you
for far too long.

Now is the time to let you go.

Off you go, children
and don't look back.
I've braced myself
for the emptiness.

Off you go, children
and don't forget I
once gave you
everything of me.

Off you go, children
and pull away, far from
the quicksand of my soul.

Now is the time for me to heal.

Day 2.

Unaware.

From the inside
come the screams.
They will never be
heard by you.
They are almost not even
heard by me.
After years of
ignoring & suppressing,
they have learned
their place.
Though sometimes
They forget and
make themselves known.
Bubbles of emotion
simmer beneath
the calm surface.
You may notice
the occasional slight
rise in temperature.
You will ignore it,
downplay it because
you won't understand it.
You will have no idea
why it is.
The simmer will weaken
and the bubbles will
once again disappear.
The screams muffled
for another day.

Day 01.

The last time I set out on this journey, exactly 4 years ago, I had no idea where it would take me. It was primarily an exercise in focus and routine. At the end of it all, I learned many things about myself, about others and about my craft.

This writing thing is what I do best.

After 365 days of forcing/enabling/empowering myself to write a poem every day, I decided to stop. I wanted to refocus on several other larger projects that had been started periodically over the years.  I wanted to allow myself time to read, to consume new ideas. I had hoped that after 365 days of writing that I had sufficiently developed and solidified the habit. That I could easily transition into those other projects, those long set aside books.

I was wrong.

I had also decided to publish the 2014 poems. I compiled, assembled and made them all pretty all within a the first few months of 2015. I even designed a cover. Then I stopped. I can't explain why. I just did. That project has been sitting idle until recently. Those poems will get published.

Here we are.

4 years later and only the occasional poem or letter has been written. So, today, I am undertaking a 2nd round of "treatment" in hopes that I will be able to permanently change my default behavior to include regular writing. I will keep this year slightly more open and perhaps I'll even share some snippets of those larger projects. I'd just like to see where the year takes me.

Wish me luck!!


2018. Untitled.

Time passes
whether we want it to
or not.
Life evolves.
People change.
People come into our lives.
Others leave.
With each transition
each change
each challenge,
we explore ourselves
and look to others
for answers
for consolation
for support.
Even through all the joy
and all the sorrow,
whether we want it to
or not
Time passes.